i'm excited but i shouldn't be because it's something i shouldn't be excited about. i like having this xanga. everyone and their mama reads lj. at least here only a few people read it when i finally decide to update. sometime this week i have to go to the pharmacy and talk to peter. my mom made so many damn connections when we owned the home health agency. i hope this pharmacy job is interesting. i don't mind sitting on my ass all day, but it's a big risk to gain weight. at vsb i walk around, talk to people, and can get a mango tango smoothie with carb busters whenever i'm on break. this whole dieting thing tires me out. the things i'm not supposed to eat like filipno food, fast food, and soda totally don't appeal to me anymore. i'm always craving a juice/smoothie instead of food. yeah yeah i know, bad. but other things seem so filling and i feel bloated after eating them.

ha and working out never felt so good before. i was so sore at work yesterday, but it was fun nonetheless. i hope i'll still have time to work out when i start the other job in july. ok time to give emma jean her respiratory treatment.

adios

life's ok...pretty confusing....

whenever i'm single....not like it's been often in the past 3-4 years (just about 6 months total in that time)...but anyway...whenever i'm single it seems really hard to get attention from the oppposite sex....(kris & brian suba aren't allowed to say anything) and when i'm in a relationship the opposite happens...is it because i'm supposedly more comfortable with myself when i'm with someone else? do i give off a different vibe? i guess i do...i'm less of the "ooohhhhweeee let's go party" and more of the "i can't go out. besides, i really really want to finish this book tonight." wow. i'm a nerd. so apparently the nerdy version of me is the one that gets called, texted, invited, etc more often. does this all stem from wanting what you can't have? i mean all these guys know that if i were single i'd say yeah in a heartbeat to the movies/parties/events rather than "oh. hmmm. i'll think about it and call you back." it's not like i just gave my number out. ha most of them had it from the summer i guess .  maybe you guys can answer it. why, out of nowhere, would these guys call now? 

i've been reading for 4 straight hours...

i'm at one of those points that i feel really alone right now. alone in that i can't tell anyone about what i'm going through because i'm not ready to? i won't ever? i'll deal with it like i do most other things, on my own? i don't know. i shouldn't be going through this by myself, but i pushed away the only person i should be dealing through this with. he doesn't get me like he used to, and after watching se7en again last night and hearing something morgan freeman said, i guess somewhere in me i want to be alone...i know what life-changing choice i'm going to make...the only other person that needs to be here with me isn't...and i'm genuinely sad about that...

...time to bury myself in my safe haven- homework...